I've been in hiatus of this blog for more than...2 bloody round years.
Yep, if you wonder what happens if a responsible person own a blog that's how it is. A few times I planned to continue to blog. I held my hopes too high to completely change the way things are, like writing serious thoughts or even essays in a new platform since I used to write childish perspective here and it might not be the so called reliable critics blog. But well, here I am stopping by this little poor thing, and realized all of those empty wishes are buttloads of nonsense and just like my Instagram caption (which was picked for the sake of positive branding, lol) I should have just write anything here as long as I keep going, and should have made progress by now!

I signed up for blogger 5 years ago, that makes me almost reach my 22nd year in this world today. The 2 years gap which I didn't manage to write any single thing here consisted of college life, and...pretty nothing more I guess. It is a little bit funny to look back how I see my life back then. In high school, I dreamt of being this and that. And to look at the extent I am in right now, I should be quite satisfied and grateful since most of the things I wished for somehow happen in one point (I beg no one judge the teen-me for having such low standard). But still, I still am that same old me who never give the best of everything under her control, and end up regretting every moments failed to be seized (note: just watched Coco and Ernesto de La Cruz 😝).

It is unnecessary to state examples of my many experiences of not giving the 100% ability. As those who have known me will give the 100% assurance of my lack of perseverance and aloofness and bunch of other negative traits that I tried to hide in my CVs, in contrast to my love of competitions. I have realized for some time that it is tiring and unhealthy, to blame yourself all over your miserable failures. But I learned that no matter how bitter it is, that is the truth and learned to ask myself questions.

What if it is actually your 100% ability? Nothing stands between you and your dreams unless your own lazy self who wish to be a cat or born to a billionaire, who gets sick because she herself doesn't take a proper care for health, who is not very smart because she spends most of her time for Instagram scrolling instead of tirelessly reading more books, learning new things and connecting to real people. I have learned to accept the fact that the other hidden 50% something is nonexistent and I was not as good as I saw myself to be. Being an ordinary adult is not that bad. I guess I've been growing up since I tolerate more for my incompetency, for not being an awesome person my younger self aspired to be.

But since I get nothing to lose I will try to hang in there for a while more, and fight.